well

there seems to be a trend here...one post every four or five months?

i should post more often...

but maybe i'll just go to sleep...but maybe not...

i still do most of my writing in books and journals. i can't seem to get into the blogger state of mind. i've been writing more recently, in coffee shops and whatnot...and the thought occurred to me that if i wanted to publish any of this "writing" it would have to be typed up and would it just be easier if i started typing in the first place and cut the hand writing out completely but i said no silly no...

where did november come from or moreover where did october go? i've done nothing so time should be standing still... except when i breathe and see and think and speak and sleep and eat (a lot, i've gained 10 pounds apparently) so THAT is where october went, it went into my hips (and i think september snuck in there too when i wasn't looking) fatty fat fanny mcfancy over here...


...i'm having a love affair with ellipses...

i think i use them so much because my thoughts always trail off into my mind where i can't hear/find the words to express them on a page...they melt into some kind of vision or feeling...a knowing that i can't quite seem to verbalize...there's something in the distance, if only i could make it out in this haze, this fog of my brain

california

see the beautiful bougainvillea vine, vibrant pinky red hues against grand greens, giant, engulfs a tree, curled around branches and heavy with blooms.
see the tall palms lining the street, fade into the distance, follow the rolling hills toward the ocean where waves lap upon sandy beaches.
feel chilly breeze blowing through the open window. slow motion eyes closing, long lashes dip down delicate, delectable, deliberate.

thought scramble

blue sky, blue sea, blue car, blue bed
green grass, green leaves, green curtain
golden light, lamp light, moon light
rainbow roses
wooden floor, tree trunk, table, chair
closet for clothes
too many books

sometimes i worry i've lost the ability to verbally express myself and can only communicate through movement. or nonsense noise. or something else.
i see the world and am fascinated, overjoyed, stunned, shocked, excited, saddened, inspired... but i can't explain what i see. i wish to say my vision out loud. (or at least write it down and be pleased with how well it comes across?)

must. find. words.

LOST: a fantastic vocabulary. LAST SEEN: somewhere in the folds of my brain.

i imagine my brain is a giant file cabinet full of manilla folders. like never ending amounts of folders. i remember filing my words (or facts from my favorite history classes or the entire french language) but i don't know where those folders are now....and i want/need to find them.

and while i'm emptying my thoughts onto this page...

i wish i could escape from my racing mind and experience things fully as they happen instead of being hyperaware of the many different outcomes/scenarios that might play out depending on how i act/react...come on world--surprise me?

I found an old wordpress blog of mine...so strange

sometimes I really surprise myself

"how do you wipe away the blank space to reveal your future?"

Why is my future still a blank space two years later? Or is it not because I'm in the future now...so nothing has changed and everything has changed...there is always a future to my present

new post true post red post blue post

That is what happened in my head when I clicked the words New Post...to write a new post...

I want to:

play the piano right now but I don't like to play if there are people around.

spend my Friday night alone with the piano.

buy new clothes and shoes--especially shoes--but I don't really have the money. How I wish I did.

read every book.

That third thing doesn't really fit, it just slipped in, almost unnoticed

It's been really hot. I mean REALLY HOT. Like every single day has been OVER 100 degrees. At 10:32pm it has cooled down to 93...gak. I guess it's ok for the 4th of July weekend, where I hope to sprawl by a pool and read all my Vogues I never make time to read. Read Shmead Bleed

My brain is full of nonsense. Fingers on my face.

It's springtime

It's sunshine

It's loveline

I'm playing the piano again.

I want to dance while the sun sets and the breeze gently ruffles my dress.

I can't stop listening to Rachel Yamagata's Duet from Elephants...Teeth Sinking into Heart. It makes me want dig out my guitar from its dusty case and tune it, so I can sing bittersweet love songs while playing...sometimes the piano just doesn't suffice

Sometimes

'Sometimes' is a weird word. Some. Time. S...

Sometimes I want to delete everything I ever wrote to you.

Sometimes I want to take it all away.

Sometimes I want to delete you from my mind.

Sometimes I want to leave you behind.

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I...sigh.

who are you? who do you think you are? what do you want? what do you want from me? you make me crazy. maybe it's me. i make me crazy. yeah. it's a day like today. today's a day. long day. feel like a fool. want to kick and scream. want to cry and blame. want to be less dramatic. want to feel wanted. want to feel nothing. well, which is it? what is the point of hiding? who do you want to be? give up? keep going? why? why not?

Indeed

How very strange to know what you want to write, only to find it's exactly what you wrote in your last post!

I'm in love

I'm in love

I'm in love

Autumn is a beautiful time of year. Wearing dresses with boots, sweaters and scarves, all very light and lovely, in dark hues. I like being able to enjoy the sunshine without feeling stifled by its heat. A cool breeze. A falling leaf.

I picked up reading, great literature. It's sad to think I had gone so long without it. So long. Terrible. I hope never again. I want to read, beautiful things, always.